Dick's Last Resort

About 65% of people are younger siblings.  Younger siblings know that, no matter what, they can't be the oldest.  They can be the funniest, the most athletic, or even the biggest!  But they will never ever be the oldest.  They learn at a very young age that if you can't be the oldest, you can at least stick it to the older one when you get the opportunity.  And if that opportunity doesn't come along, it's your birthright to create one.  That's how your whole childhood goes.  Every oldest sibling is always looking over his back shoulder cause the younger ones are just gunning for them.  Don't believe me?  Just ask Peyton Manning.

So the younger sibling sits back and enjoys the ride at the older one's expense.  It doesn't get better than that.  Unless...yes, unless...you happen to have an older brother named Dick.  Yes folks, if you are a younger sibling, and your older brother has THAT name, well...it's like winning the lottery of life.  It's like God himself just handed you a whole belt load of ammunition for the rest of your days.

And so my life went from the about first grade on.  I couldn't escape it.  I heard every joke imaginable and some that you never ever would have imagined.

"What's up Dick?"..."Got any gum on ya Dick?"...(and during the fat days)"You're looking a little soft Dick!"

It doesn't stop at childhood either.  Imagine my alarm to answer my phone at the bank and, because I am busy and have people around, just pop it on speaker and say, "Hi, Dick speaking."  You get a pause, and it lasts a little longer...then suddenly you look down at the phone number that called you and before you can dive on the phone to get it off speaker you hear, "Penis!  It's Johnny!"   And, of course, it's loud enough for the whole office to hear.  Oh yeah, priceless moments.

So imagine my shock when I get a call today at 2:30PM from my brother who is having a ball because he is in a place in Boston called "Dick's Last Resort" and I just HAVE to go over.  First, I can't believe he never heard of or went into a "Dick's Last Resort."  Second, I can hear, in the back of my little brain, the faint sound of the pipe organ from the carnival of life.  So, of course, on my 50th birthday, I walk over there from work.

It was like the Perfect Storm.  John and Doreen, beer, about 1000 souvenir items all dedicated to Dick, and a staff that gets off on insults.  I think, just for a moment, my little brother was thinking it was HIS birthday.  When I walked in, he said, hey I got you some birthday presents.  A Dick glass, shirt, coaster and bottle opener for the birthday boy!

The bartender came over and I laughed and said, "the joke is..."  He stopped me right there, looked at John and said, "I know, your name is Dick, he told me a thousand times."  The bartender tried to use some of his standard jokes on me and I said, "Don't bother, I've had this name forever and have heard them all.  I have Dick Defense."

The grand finale was when they put your 'hat' on you.  It is the hat every responsible Dick should be wearing...and I was no different.  I played my usual role...the older sibling taking the joke his parents once played on him like a man.

So, the lesson my brother gave me on my birthday is, "you can grow older and still not grow up."

To thank John, he now has a picture of me that he can make poster sized and just laugh at for the rest of his life.

This little editorial is meant to be sarcastic, of course.

It was truly a lot of fun.  When you grow up in the same room, you share a lot of things.  Sometimes it's like being at a party, sometimes it's like being in the same foxhole together.  I always enjoyed being the older brother, and all that goes with it.  Thanks a lot John (and Doreen for showing him the place) for the laughs and reminding me that I should lighten up.  You're right.  Now, of course, I have 50 weeks to figure out how to return the favor!!

Too Few Facebook Friends?

"I need more Facebook friends!"  No you don't.  You really don't.  Whether you think you should have more than 100, 500 or 1000 FB friends, it's too many.  No one has that many friends.  Real friends.

The funny part is, a study recently showed that the people with the most FB friends have the fewest real friends.

If you have more than 100 friends and are not a celebrity, chances are good that you are spending so much time playing with Facebook that you have very little time to manage real relationships.

There is also an inverse relationship in the number of FB friends to real friends.  So people with 1000 FB friends actually have, like, 2 real friends.  People with 500 FB friends have about 5.  People with 15 FB friends probably have about...well...about 15 real friends!  So don't fret.  If you have very few FB friends you probably are in a much better place socially.

Also, people with over 500 FB friends:

- Have more stalkers
- Are more prone to having provocative photos displayed
- Have to explain a lot of strange stuff to potential employers
- Are forced to lie to relatives..lol
- NEVER get updates on the real important stuff cause they have to handle so much NOISE on their page.
- Have their Facebook wall crushed once a year at their birthday
- Get upset when people reject THEIR friend requests...because they accept them from EVERYBODY

lol.  Don't worry.  You're FINE!

Hogwarts Midnight Madness!!

The Thanksgiving holiday is officially here.  It is usually christened by at least one movie that launches prior to Turkey Day and aspires to take every dollar not spent on Black Friday Christmas shopping.

Last night was just one such night.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  Part One.

I have never attended a "Midnight Screening" of any movie.  Ever.  My 13 year old son approached me on Wednesday night and asked if we could go.  I thought about it and decided, "why not?"  I read the book, loved the movies, and I can check "attended Midnight Screening" off my bucket list.  This should be fun.  This should be like any other movie you see in the theater, it's just going to be at midnight.  Right?

I think it is reasonable to expect a few things.  Lots of people.  This movie franchise is in its 9th year and this is number 7 of 8 movies.  As an aside, I am amazed that, in that span, the same actors have played all the characters with the exception of Professor Dumbledore, who was replaced when the actor died.  After 9 years and all of the books, there is a whole generation that wants to see the finale play out on the silver screen.  We drove there last night (after my third medium sized Dunkin' Donuts CAFFEINATED coffee) with me in a clouded haze and over some very untraveled highway...a welcomed experience for someone who commutes toward Boston every day.  The local movie house had just the Harry Potter movie on 8 screens at once!...and every room was full.  No assigned theater for anyone, just 'go find a seat.'  My son and I finally found two seats and sat there for 25 minutes watching the movie ads that run over and over and over and over and...you get the picture.  Coca Cola sponsored movie quotes.  Prompts to go to the concessions.  Advisories to turn off your cell phone.  Ads to inspire attendance at the local Christian church?  (sung to the tune of the Sesame Street song of the same name)  "One of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong!"  So my first expectation was dead on accurate.  Lots of people.  Lots of 'dressed like characters', 'overexposed to Hogwarts' and 'fully caffeinated' people.  Given the average age group, I am guessing that classrooms around the nation will be very quiet and possibly empty tomorrow.  The movie starts at 11:59PM and ends at 2:40AM.

I also expected some excitement.  The first hint I get that this will be a new experience of 'excitement' is found when I look closely at the crowd.  I am OK with the kids getting all dressed up.  I am a little creeped out by the 'over 30' set who are also fully garbed in their Hogwarts regalia.  Of those two groups, guess which one started the chant?  Yes, a chant.  And , oh yeah, it was started by the old creepies.  "You say 'Harry', I say 'Potter'...Harry...HARRY...Potter...POTTER!  You say 'Lord', I say 'Voldemort'...Lord!...".  I kid you not.  Not your usual pre-movie activities.  "15 minutes 'til Harry!"  "10 minutes 'til Harry!"  11:58PM..."WHERE'S HARRY?!?!"  How is it I made it 48 years without this?  My life feels so empty now.

As the previews start, there is way more chatter than usual.  Very loud and pointed comments as well as a lot of laughter about the trailers.  Why so strange?  The previews were for drama's...not comedies!  Again, this is a real weird crowd.  I know they are anxious to see the movie...but the tempo is a bit over the top.

Now the movie begins.  This is the darkest Harry Potter movie yet.  What is about to happen in the scenes should be no surprise.  Almost every freak-a-zoid in the theater has read the final book, and some have read it multiple times.  This is a DRAMA, with touches of comic relief along the way.  Well the first slightly comedic scene (and I won't spoil the movie for you) is met with howls of laughter so loud that you would have thought we were watching 'The Hangover.'  It isn't normal laughter either...it is manic over-the-top laughter.  It is creepy.  One other thing, I cannot make out the dialog while these geeks are pitching a fit.  In this movie, the dialog is key to the DRAMA!

This happened throughout the movie.  Every slightly funny line, and some that were not funny, is met with shrieks.

There was a real odd moment (or should I say MORE odd) when Dobby, the Elf, declares himself free.  This scene gets a thunderous ovation of applause from the audience with shouts of approval.  I've never seen anything like it in my many movie years.  Not that it wasn't merited...it was just sporadic, out of place and too choreographed...like when you see Rocky Horror Picture Show for the 100th time.  Why weird?  Because none of them have even seen this movie before!!  Wacky.

The moment-du-jour occurred toward the end of the movie when a known character gets killed.  I won't ruin it, but there WAS A BOOK people!!  We knew this was coming!  The character is mortally wounded and is in the process of dying.  I can hear crying.  Not sniffling tears like at the end of 'Toy Story 3'...real crying.  Boo hooing.  Sobbing.  Wake and funeral type stuff.  These people are way way way too into this.

I now realize that when you attend a Midnight Screening of anything that you are playing in the tail-ends of the bell curve.  The people that make this level of effort are going to be extremists and VERY quirky.

As the movie reaches it's crescendo, we know the end is near.  My son and I bolt for the doors to get out of the parking lot.

I am left to ponder this experience in my exhaustion.  I drive home along a lonely darkened highway with the windows down so I don't fall asleep at the wheel.  How will they finally end this (visually)?  When is the next release date?  Will J.K. Rowling succumb to the temptation of being the richest woman on the face of the earth and decide to write more books?  Lastly, are my son and I, since we attended the madness, also in the tail-end of the bell curve?  Scary.  I think we must be.

But the most important thought of all...what will the over-30 freaks do with their lives when this is all over?

Who cares.  I have work tomorrow...and my son really loved it.  Bucket list...CHECK!

Patriots-Wk3: "Aren't we supposed to enjoy victories?"

Patriots 38 - Buffalo Bills 30.  There should be joy in New England tonight, right?  Brady was 21-27 for 252 yards, 3 TD's and no interceptions.  Moss had two touchdowns.  Just two receptions, but still two touchdowns.  We rushed for 200 yards.  We were 3-3 in the Red Zone.  Hernandez looked awesome again.  Smiles everyone, smiles!

So why does this feel bad?  Why does a win bring such a feeling of sarcastic congratulations?  Maybe because we fans in New England have long memories.  Maybe it's because we have short ones.  Maybe we remember a team that had a unique ability last year to just kill poor teams like Tennessee, Tampa Bay and Jacksonville, while looking uninspired against teams we should have beat like the Dolphins, Broncos, Jets and Houston.  Maybe we remember 4th and 2.  Maybe we remember being destroyed by Baltimore in the opening round of the playoffs.

It is real easy for fans of other teams to think we expect too much...that we are spoiled.  But are we?  Really?  I think we are tough because we have high expectations, sure.  We, as a New England fan base, invest more in our teams per capita than almost every region of the United States.  We show a fervor that can be topped only by a stadium of drunken Europeans at a World Cup Soccer Championship.  We take losses personally.  When our teams lose the game, it is not because they played poorly...it is because, that week, they intentionally intended to let us down.  They did it to us...to ruin our week...on purpose.

I am joking of course, but there is a ring of truth here to how we feel.  So why are we so hard on the team?  I think it is because, when it comes to our Patriots, we have a better yardstick than other fans have to measure their teams.  In the last nine years, we have been to the Super Bowl 4 times.  We know what it takes to win, and God knows we know what it is to lose.  We have seen seasons when the team was magical and seasons when they were dominant.  We have seen seasons when we were flat out awful right out of the gate.  We fans know what we are looking at.  We also know that this team of 2010 has some very real concerns that could derail any trip to the Super Bowl.  Those expectations for the Super Bowl sound high, but until I hear a professional football player say something other than "our goal is to get to the Super Bowl", then this fan is going to expect the same.

So what is it this week that really stinks about this win?  Let's see.  Where do we start?  How about our most glaring weakness?  The defense, or more accurately, the lack of defense.  Ever seen a drag racing car?  That's us on defense.  A well rehearsed explosion to start the game and what seems like a long drawn out deceleration with a little spinning parachute at the end.  We have problems executing, focusing, adjusting and a big problem just NOT running out gas.  We played Buffalo today.  BUFFALO!  They entered this game ranked last on offense.  Not last in the AFC, last in the entire NFL.  They had, in two games, totally 17 points of offense.  They came in with their "just this week" promoted second string QB who has played sporadically since entering the league in 2005.  Today, this guy Fitzpatrick was 20-28 for 247 yds and two touchdowns.  Sound like anyone we know?  It should.  Except for two interceptions on some very poorly thrown balls under pressure, we helped this guy look lke our own hometown Tom Terrific.

To complement Fitzpatrick's passing performance, we gave up over 130 yards rushing.  Not only did Buffalo play well in the passing game, they were able to balance it with a strong running game.  Don't get me started on Special Teams, we saw a nice Touchdown return today.  And our coaching...wow.  Brilliance.  What the hell is going on there?  I heard an interview with Mayo last week where he was asked who the Defensive Coordinator was and he actually and sincerely said it was Belichick.  Kraft needs to cough up a little coin and get Bill some real help here.

New England, as a team, has in three weeks given up an average of 27 points per game against the Bengals, Jets and Buffalo.  The Jets and Buffalo entered this week rated 31 and 32 in offense in the NFL and a dismal Bengal team has (excluding our game with them) averaged 17 pts of offense per game.  We have games coming up against San Diego,  Baltimore, Indianapolis and Pittsburgh.  How many points do you think those guys will score?

The offense?  It's hard to complain this week.  Brady spread the ball around today.  No forcing passes to a covered Moss, no interceptions...those two go hand-in-hand.  Hernandez and Gronk just get better each week and Welker was the usual 'Mr. Reliable' we have come to know and love.  Woodhead, at least for this game, looks like a real score at fullback for Faulk.  Except for the set of downs in the 4th quarter when the offense forgot which end of the field the End Zone was at, they looked strong.  That said, we watched Fred 'Tinsel Toe' Taylor and Sammy Morris combine for only 35 yards rushing.  These guys are supposed to be the anchors of our running game.  We traded Maroney because we were strong at the Running Back position without him and because, well, Maroney never could figure out that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line.  We didn't expect the Faulk ACL...but this is the NFL.  With Taylor and Morris, we all know that we are always just a step away from their annual injuries.  When that happens, and it has never NOT happened, Brady is just one predictable blitz away from a set of cracked ribs to go with the set he had last year.  We have no magic formula at running back to stop the train from coming at us down the tunnel...the light is small, but it gets bigger each week.

Realistically, we came one real bad Fitzpatrick pass from losing this game today.  The pass to Parrish (#11) to open the 4th quarter was very poorly thrown by Fitzpatrick.  It wasn't an interception really.  If that pick were the product of awesome play by the defensive backs, close coverage or a jumped route, I would feel better.  The ball was 5 feet too high and thrown straight to Chung.  The receiver was wide open on the 2 yard line with no one within 10 feet of him.  It had TD written all over it.  Oh sure, there was plenty of game still left, but that one would have been a game changer.  The final pick by Fitzpatrick was also a very poorly thrown ball from a guy who had no problem driving his team all day.  We got lucky.

We are surly.  Yes we are.  Let's face the facts.  This defense is horrible.  We will have to have perfect games on offense each week and count on scoring 40 points per game to win.  The offense is only a couple sure injuries away from being predictable enough to be stoppable.  The coaching does not seem capable of making weak players into positionally strong players.  We see the writing on the wall.  We are not buying the hype in the newspapers or on the local sports talk shows.  Our emotional wreck is right around the corner.  We can feel it like Randy Moss feels Darrelle Revis when he is running his long route.  Footsteps.  And we are looking over our shoulders.

Welcome to Vermont: Private Property

New Hampshire is a tourist destination. The residents that live there know they live off of that tourism. Their whole economic existence was built around it. Skiing, kayaking, hiking, amusement parks, foliage viewing, shopping…virtually every leisure activity known to man is provided for and supported. They welcome you with hotels and restaurants, private and chain owned. They smile when they see you as though that makes them happy…because it really does.


Vermont is right next door to New Hampshire. They need tourism too. And they hate that. They hate to acknowledge that fact. They will give in to it begrudgingly because it allows them to exist, but only on their own terms. Vermont is the New England hiding place for the eccentric, the unique, and the outcasts. It was the first New England state to support gay marriage. It is the home of the successful independent (not now though) business known as Ben and Jerry’s. The Vermont people love this place because they are free to be themselves, but realize that letting in those who do not appreciate that one part of personal freedom will ruin it for the rest. So when they let folks in, they do it carefully. They make the rules…and those rule makers do not care how you feel about them. Enjoy yourself…if you can.

Outside of the few big cities in the style of Burlington, there are virtually no chain restaurants. I love this part of Vermont. When you eat out, you support their economy and you always pick up that local flavor. Because the shopping facilities are owned by the locals, they close at reasonable hours. 7PM is late…6PM is usually more like it. There are no billboards littering the highway. I love this too. None of the natural beauty is obscured by the flashy signs that are competing for your attention.

So with all these great qualities, why is Vermont frustrating? Because you have to work so hard to enjoy yourself! The residents, even the ones who own the businesses, only give you help when you ask for it. When they DO give it to you, it comes in spurts and only answers the exact questions you asked. It feels like you have to interrogate them to find the activities you want to enjoy on your vacation.

Here’s an example. We went to the Lake Champlain island chain in North Western Vermont. We wanted to maybe rent a boat for a day (captained or on our own) or maybe to bike the many trails highlighted on the map. If they highlight bike trails, you would think they would avail them to the tourists right? First, the information provided is vague. This leaves you to believe you have to be there to get the info. So we drive there, hoping to get it on location at an information bureau. Nothing. No local bike maps there, no signage for bike or boat rentals, no advertising…period. This is suddenly a little different than the ‘no billboard’ mentality. We went to the local Chamber of Commerce, located in someone’s house. They had hundreds of flyers on “things to do.” Take a closer look though…all the businesses were located off island! “Hey, here is something to do, but it isn’t here. Have a nice day!” Someone finally offered that there were boat rentals. We could not see any indication of a boat rental business. They told us it was a few streets over. Ok. We looked. And we looked more. We found it. At a house. With no signage of course. So where was the owner of this business? Another person gave us the cell number of the owner. We called and got an answering machine. How are these people living off of the tourists? They have no idea how to run a business, or they don’t care. They seem very smart in their eccentricity, so I have concluded it is the latter.

All right. I may have leaped to judgement a little quickly, but I never felt like a visitor…I felt like I was trespassing. Here is another indication I noticed. Most islands and island chains that are interested in ecotourism build the roads on the island along the water. The businesses then are built along the water on the main roads and the homes are slightly inland. Not Vermont. Their island chain is just the opposite. Homes are built on the water everywhere with ‘Private Drive’ signs and the roads are straight down the middle of the island. You can see the water, from a distance, but if you want to enjoy it you have to trespass. So you can’t enjoy it as a tourist, only as a resident. “It’s our island. Go away. Or you can also enjoy it, at your own risk. Figure it out, and, oh yeah, have a nice day.” It is downright weird.

Here is another example of the way locals feel about their home vs. your playland. We were going to drive to Montreal from Stowe. There is a fairly good sized road between the two locations. Not a major highway, but a major road of transit. Route 104. Other than taking the highway, for which you have to go 25 miles south and then north, it is the only way to get to the major route to Montreal. As we are driving, there is a sign that the road is out up ahead and that you will be detoured. Where? You got it, 50 miles out of the way. Why is the road out? Bridge work. So I am looking at my technology, an iPhone with Google maps. I can see an alternate route…in fact a few. So, if that is the case, why send the traffic so far out of the way? I stopped at a local store. I asked if there were alternate routes to get to Montreal. He gave me the party line…50 miles of Vermont hospitality. I showed him my iPhone map and asked again. He looked at me and evaluated me. Then he gave me this approving look and said, “you just want to get to 104 North?” “Yes,” I replied. He got in close as though he were telling me the Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream trade secrets, “go to the blinking light, make a left, go under the covered bridge and over the hill, you will be back on 104 North.” So I did. I swear, it was less than 120 seconds around their little town. They would rather send the tourists 50 miles out of the way than detour them through their town. It was more than an oversight, it was downright mean! These people ARE weird.

So I love Vermont, a little bit. It is great if you want to hide out or if you want to do a lot (and I mean a lot!) of research and come here very prepared, for your vacation. Do the research yourself because if you don’t, you will have to rely on the locals, and they will send you to New Hampshire.

If you don't believe me, scroll back up and look closely at the picture.  They mean it!