Dick's Last Resort

About 65% of people are younger siblings.  Younger siblings know that, no matter what, they can't be the oldest.  They can be the funniest, the most athletic, or even the biggest!  But they will never ever be the oldest.  They learn at a very young age that if you can't be the oldest, you can at least stick it to the older one when you get the opportunity.  And if that opportunity doesn't come along, it's your birthright to create one.  That's how your whole childhood goes.  Every oldest sibling is always looking over his back shoulder cause the younger ones are just gunning for them.  Don't believe me?  Just ask Peyton Manning.

So the younger sibling sits back and enjoys the ride at the older one's expense.  It doesn't get better than that.  Unless...yes, unless...you happen to have an older brother named Dick.  Yes folks, if you are a younger sibling, and your older brother has THAT name, well...it's like winning the lottery of life.  It's like God himself just handed you a whole belt load of ammunition for the rest of your days.

And so my life went from the about first grade on.  I couldn't escape it.  I heard every joke imaginable and some that you never ever would have imagined.

"What's up Dick?"..."Got any gum on ya Dick?"...(and during the fat days)"You're looking a little soft Dick!"

It doesn't stop at childhood either.  Imagine my alarm to answer my phone at the bank and, because I am busy and have people around, just pop it on speaker and say, "Hi, Dick speaking."  You get a pause, and it lasts a little longer...then suddenly you look down at the phone number that called you and before you can dive on the phone to get it off speaker-mode you hear, "Penis!  It's Johnny!"   And, of course, it's loud enough for the whole office to hear.  Oh yeah, priceless moments.

So imagine my shock when I get a call today at 2:30PM from my brother who is having a ball because he is in a place in Boston called "Dick's Last Resort" and I just HAVE to go over.  First, I can't believe he's never heard of or went into a "Dick's Last Resort."  Second, I can hear, in the back of my little brain, the faint sound of the pipe organ from the carnival of life.  So, of course, on my 50th birthday, I walk over there from work.

It was like the Perfect Storm.  John and Doreen, beer, about 1000 souvenir items all dedicated to Dick, and a staff that gets off on insults.  I think, just for a moment, my little brother was thinking it was HIS birthday.  When I walked in, he said, hey I got you some birthday presents.  A Dick glass, shirt, coaster and bottle opener for the birthday boy!

The bartender came over and I laughed and said, "the joke is..."  He stopped me right there, looked at John and said, "I know, your name is Dick, he told me a thousand times."  The bartender tried to use some of his standard jokes on me and I said, "Don't bother, I've had this name forever and have heard them all.  I have Dick Defense."

The grand finale was when they put your 'hat' on you.  It is the hat every responsible Dick should be wearing...and I was no different.  I played my usual role...the older sibling taking the joke his parents once played on him like a man.

So, the lesson my brother gave me on my birthday is, "you can grow older and still not grow up."

To thank John, he now has a picture of me that he can make poster sized and just laugh at for the rest of his life.

This little editorial is meant to be sarcastic, of course.

It was truly a lot of fun.  When you grow up in the same room, you share a lot of things.  Sometimes it's like being at a party, sometimes it's like being in the same foxhole together.  I always enjoyed being the older brother, and all that goes with it.  Thanks a lot John (and Doreen for showing him the place) for the laughs and reminding me that I should lighten up.  You're right.  Now, of course, I have 50 weeks to figure out how to return the favor!!